200 Days (and a few earthquakes) Later

I'm a dreamer. 

When I close my eyes I see color. I see all the people that have made my moments of joy possible, I see the places I've been to even if for only a moment, and I see the times where I almost lost my grip on any sort of sensibility because I held my expectations too...well my standards were honesty, integrity, and caring. Those are tough to meet at times.

Yesterday I was running on 2 hours of sleep, lugging my way through Tokyo walking on an endless labyrinth of bridges in the haze of the afternoon sun and smog and wondering "what in the hell am I doing". I think that since I've moved here I've asked that question more times than I ever had, and as the ever evil existentialist (especially if I've had tequila) most people know I think about those things a lot. As I was walking by a small construction site, a construction guard worked up the courage to say "have a nice day" in English to me without any prompting. I realize that I have my standards for a reason and the smile that has lasted on my face 24 hours is a gift that actually cost him nothing.

I realized yesterday that the word for earthquake and self-confidence are actually the same in Japanese. Now considering this is a country that has been plagued with some of the largest earthquakes in the past five centuries I wonder how the language had evolved in that way. See, here, people only focus on their self worth when it applies to other people - it is literally the culture. The exact opposite of the U.S., eh? And after years of self-degradation, hatred, and some love fitted in between the sheets (metaphor people! metaphor! well partially ;), I realize how similar those words, earthquake and confidence, actually are.\

Courage is the Magic that turns dreams into Reality. Life Rule #1. 

I think it's about time that I have written down what I love about my life, what I dream about tomorrow, and what my goals are for the future. I sort of imagine my life to be like the Grand Canyon, and yes Laura I'm glad you dragged me there for 2 glorious days. Once upon a time it was the same as everything else, just a flat field with a river running through it. After thousands of trials, storms, eroding (not to mention years), it is one of the most stunning places on the planet. Life feels small when you realize that we are just a speck of dust in the wheel of time, but we can make a different. And when we realize that life should only shake when the actual Earth itself moves instead of the mental prisons we commit ourselves to, maybe confidence is a prerequisite for making change.

Have a nice day! 

~M